Sometimes I feel like Goku. Yes, Goku, the main character from the Dragonball franchise. Seriously there are similarities. I feel like all we do is workout and rarely see our kids. The difference is that he works out so he can save the world and I workout to relieve stress and occupy my time.
The perception is funny. This has been my life for the majority of his life. Due to my military commitment, I was away from my son, even more, but it really didn’t feel or seem that bad to me. Ok, I take that back, my first week of basic training I slept with a picture of him every night lol but after a few weeks I adjusted. Maybe it was because I was with his mother then, who knows. Either way, I didn’t feel like total shit. Now let’s fast forward to now. The struggle is real. I took the risk a year ago to move to DC in hopes to secure a much better paying job so I could provide for my son. So far so good but man that
So far so good but man that void I feel and the guilt that I feel is no joke.
I laugh when my friends or strangers tell me how good things seem to be in my life. Of course, it does on the surface. I am doing something I love to do, I have progressed in my career, I am able to go places I have never gone before, my health has improved and in some instances, I am actually having fun. With all of that being said nothing is like being around your kids. That bond, seeing them grow, the random conversations, everything is unmatched. It can’t be found in a store, in a bottle, between a woman’s legs or with any other worldly thing.
The phone calls are cool but have you ever had a conversation with an 8-year-old kid after a long day at school? Lol people say that I am bad on the phone (no argument there) and obviously the apple did not fall too far from the tree. If my son and I talk on the phone for over 4 minutes it is a miracle. The conversation usually consists of him telling me he didn’t get into trouble and him asking me how I am doing followed by ” Ok Dad, I love you, bye”.
My Mother often asks how do I cope and why does it seem like I am ok with it. I had to explain to her that it was simple, I have no choice at the moment. No time to be sad, complain or dwell on the situation. Instead, I have to occupy my time as productively as possible and remind myself that this is all part of a plan for the greater good.
Not to mention I am not mentally prepared to go to jail so this grind must continue. You think I am joking but my first time going to court to be set up a financial agreement I saw about 5 dudes get sent to jail for non-payment. It is not a game out here.
Let’s not get it confused, however. I am still getting off easy and in no way is this a “woe is me” post or an attack on child support or the system. Hell, I know that if it is this hard being away from your kid, imagine how difficult it is being the parent who has the majority of the custody? Having to do things alone, not being able to rest at times, having to answer difficult questions about the other parent. I know it can be taxing despite any financial assistance or monthly visit. Those efforts don’t nor should they go unnoticed.
I just hope that one day my son will understand and not hold too big of a grudge against me when he is older. Even if he does I guess I am at peace with that too as long as he isn’t bold enough to tell me lol.
Funny thing is that I never saw things not working out with his mother. I always told myself that I was going to have the traditional family like the one I grew up in, I would never have a child out of wedlo … oops. I swear life has a way of contradicting you and humbling you, it never fails. Not saying there is anything wrong with this current path I am on and the way that I did things. Just wish that for all parties involved things would have gone differently.
Now I don’t wish it enough to try to get back with his mother, no way in hell lol.
Speaking of Goku you noticed he had the ability to do instant transmission but rarely used it to see his kids? Lol, I wish I had the power to do that, instead, all I have is expensive ass plane tickets or I-85/95 smh.