Selfish – 01/15/2014

I have been dreading this day since I found out we had to come to the hospital a few days ago. As I sit here in my sister’s hospital room I’m suddenly overcome with guilt. As some of my friends know she had a stroke on December 5th. Since that time I have been tasked to assist with watching her 3 kids, age 8, 5 & 4. They are a handful, to say the least, but they have definitely given me laughs.

Losing train of thought early.  So today we met with a few doctors and the speech and physical therapists. As I sat and listened to what my sister has gone through and the other steps she will continue it made me begin to feel emo. She went from barely being conscious from her stroke to not having any feeling in her right side and barely remembering names. In the past month thanks to therapy, and her stubbornness she has made improvements but she still isn’t quite the same person. As I thought about all of the work it took and the uncertainty that she will ever be 100% again I got sad and upset. Not on some “woe is me, why God type stuff” I’m not questioning ish lol. Not my place. However, I was pissed at myself because I have been ducking my sister. All this time she has been here I think I saw her 5 times. Its noIt’shat I don’t miss her. I just hate seeing her like this. Kind of makes me come to terms with my mortality even more. Been around my sister all my life and she has been my best friend so seeing her this way is tough. Of course I played it off by using the excuse or volunteering to stay with the kids so I wouldn’t have to see her in this condition.

Well I’m still sitting here with my sister prepping for her return home next week. She is in good spirits and I’m just happy and blessed she is still here. Meanwhile I gotta chill and stop being such a bitch. I know if roles were reversed she would come see me everyday. Needless to say this has been an unexpected wake up call. Thought I had the ability to handle anything but ill be honest this has definitely been a trying time. Oh well, I’m me, so I’ll be fine and as you can probably read my confidence isn’t going anywhere but I definitely need to do better. Ok I’m going to go find some liquor. I need a drink.

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