I’m an Introvert? – 07/08/2014

in•tro•vert ˈintrəˌvərt/ noun 1. 1. a shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person.

So I decided to look up the word introvert. I know what the word means, however, I felt like looking it up again because I get called an introvert all of the time. So much so that I think I am starting to believe it. After further research, I think that I am really not that much of an introvert.

Let me dig deeper into this definition. Shy, hmm now they may be on to something. I am an extremely shy person when sober. It was worse as a kid, I always had my head down, never talked to strangers and I was terrified of public speaking. Years later not much has changed except that I wouldn’t say that I am no longer shy, I would call myself quietly confident and that I keep to myself. Mainly because I don’t like bothering people or being in everyone’s business.  What amazes me is that what I view as shyness some people view as arrogance or being stuck up or cocky. Lol funny how that works.

Now we go into the word reticent. I’m guilty as hell smh. I rarely share my feelings or thoughts unless I have to. (Unless we count on social networking but that is different). So yeah, it takes a lot for me to express my feelings. It’s so bad I have to give myself a pep talk from time to time. However I don’t think it is out of fear, not always. Sometimes I want to spare someone’s feelings or in some instances I may just not know. Besides, you can’t be out here telling everybody every single thing. That is just bad business.

Typically self-centered. I vehemently disagree (SAT word alert). Ok, after reading this again the key word is “typically” so I am an exception to the rule because I am not self-centered.

Moving on… So does this mean that I am an introvert? Can’t be, while I have my moments, I can be outgoing and whatnot.

Another word that has been thrown around was reclusive. Let’s take a look into that definition. re•clu•sive riˈklo͞osiv,-ziv/ adjective 1. avoiding the company of other people; solitary. “a reclusive life in rural Ireland” synonyms: solitary, secluded, isolated, hermitlike, hermitic, eremitic, eremitical,cloistered. Come on man, I am not a reclusive person, I just mind my business, and in the words of Cedric the Entertainer “I’m a grown ass man dog”. I don’t have time and I’m too old to always be hanging out with folks. Maybe I am getting caught up on the word avoid. Avoid is a strong ass word, besides who said that avoiding something was a bad thing? See look at me being all defensive smh. I promised myself that I would be a more optimistic so I am going to view this as a positive. I do avoid the company of a lot of people because I can see their true colors and nothing good would come from interacting with them.

So my weeks usually consist of a 40 – 45 hour work week. Then there is 5-10 for the gym, Sleep 20-30 hours. So this doesn’t leave me with much time to be a social butterfly. Then of course there is time with my son and my part time job in the military for one weekend a month. So that leaves maybe 1 or 2 weekends a month? Oh yeah I play in a league on Sunday’s too. Man I just threw so many excuses out there huh? This is obviously just another defensive mechanism of mine.

As I looked at the synonyms I saw the words hermitlike and hermitic lol. This reminds me of my mother because as a teenager she told me that I was going to grow up to be a hermit and probably wouldn’t have a girlfriend. Well I am not quite a hermit but I am single as hell. I guess it is moments like these that I appreciate being taught how to take care of myself and be able to do basic everyday things.

Another reason is all my boys booed up. Can’t just hit them up to go do something, they have to get clearance from the wife or girlfriend. It’s rough out here.

I think that part of my delusion is my frequent usage of Facebook, twitter and Instagram. When I wake up I check these sites before I check my texts (phone be dry anyway). When I have down time I am on these sites constantly, shit I may have a problem. Could it be that my frequent usage of these sites have contributed to my reclusive introverted lifestyle? Hell if I know. I have the same random pointless conversations with my boys in group texts. So that is technically the same thing. I suppose the only difference is my interaction with women. I have the ability to comment and sometimes harmlessly flirt with women on Twitter/IG with no repercussions. It’s as if things are much simpler here. Ijs I have yet to have a follower accuse me of leading them or nothing like what happens in real life. No complaints of not responding to texts fast enough or not calling. Now in no way shape or form am I saying women on social networks  > actual women. I think most men… never mind let me not do that.

I personally am at a stage where I would love to have a significant other and do the whole relationship to marriage thing but that is not currently happening. So that leaves me in somewhat of my own version of purgatory. I outgrew the “having fun and wilding out” stage but I am at a stage where I am looking for something that could actually be serious. Unfortunately I am not “pressed” and after many years of failure I have decided that I will not look as much. However I will make sure I am ready when the opportunity presents itself.

Good luck to those of you out here on the hunt though. Sheesh, that dating struggle is no joke. Spent a lot of money and time over the years to still be single but no need to be bitter about it. I enjoyed every bit of the journey thus far. Plus if she is really the one meant for me, it will work. In the meantime I will continue chillin.

See how I got off track so easily. So I think that social networking has contributed to me being delusional about my inner reclusive/introvert. Only one way to prove if this theory is correct. Take a break from social networking. I am always amused when people make these types of announcements. Like “I am deactivating this” or “I’m leaving twitter”. I just assume these posts are for attention but who knows. I am going to take a small break but it is for scientific purposes only. I hear that I can be more productive without social networking (I disagree) and maybe without the comfort of social networking I will be more social (I disagree again) but I will humor myself and try it. I already deleted Facebook a week ago but that was easy. My Mother kept commenting on my pictures misspelling words and since my birthday is coming up I wanted to deactivate my page so I wouldn’t feel guilty for never telling anyone on Facebook Happy Birthday yet watching them return the favor.

An Instagram break is going to be tougher. I can’t be all up there looking at y’all pics (I am a fan of all of y’alls selfies and thirst traps, judge me not) and the food pictures. Maaan I may love food pictures more than the pictures of the big booty models with “booking info”.

The twitter break will be a bitch though. Who else am I going to have the random ass conversations with? Say inappropriate words and make bad jokes with? Lol.

So I can admit that I am an introvert. So what? We are far more advanced than most people. What’s so ironic is that my son is the exact opposite of me. Too social for his own good. So back to this break/experiment, it probably won’t last a full week (technically I haven’t tweeted since July 4th so I am a few days in).

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