I was added to a group on Facebook for singles sometime last year. It is a pretty cool group, minus the same tired “why don’t women like nice guys” posts or the “no man can handle me” posts that I see almost bi-weekly.
I occasionally comment or post a selfie when asked because well, nevermind why lol.
Last week a woman in the group posted an article about “ghosting”. Judging by the Facebook posts and tweets that I have seen over the past week I gather that quite a few people read this article as well. I must say that I was entertained by some of the reactions and responses.
I didn’t even know that there was a term for this until last week.
For those of you who may not be familiar with the term here you go. “Ghosting – the wholly unpleasant phenomenon when someone you are dating decides to simply fade away into the ether rather than have an upfront, honest, adult conversation about why he or she no longer wants to keep seeing you.”
Is it me or does that definition have quite a bit of shade?
Ghosting is also defined as the practice of avoiding someone until they no longer contact you. Kind of passive aggressive if you ask me but I get it.
I hate to be the grumpy old man but damn, is it me or is this generation somewhat on the entitled and sensitive side? Just give everyone who participates a trophy while you’re at it.
When it comes to dating or talking to someone I usually live by this rule. No one owes you anything. Well, anything except honesty. Just give me that and I am good.
I laugh because as long as I can remember women have been ghosting for years. Hell, it is widely accepted. As a matter of fact, the few women friends or acquaintances that I have always tell me how they just stopped talking to a guy who they weren’t feeling and didn’t give him an explanation. They just stopped talking to him or responding and eventually, he got the hint. I can respect that
I can respect that. Like I mentioned earlier, everyone does not deserve an explanation. Deal with it.
So what counts as ghosting? Is there a time period of some sort? Like if we have texted, conversed, dated for 3 weeks is an explanation needed? What about if we matched on Tinder or been texting for months? Hey, does it count as ghosting if you still follow each other on some format of social media?
Someone in the group explained that if you clicked with someone and the feelings were mutual and then the other person just vanishes then that is ghosting. Amateur. How do we even know that the feelings are mutual? Seriously, help me understand this concept. Half the time we tend to get so caught up into how we feel about someone that we do not even pay attention to the signs that they are giving us back. Yeah maybe he/she said they miss you but it is only after you tell them this. Maybe we do not notice that we always hit them up first. Maybe we don’t realize that they never give us compliments like we compliment them. Better yet we don’t notice that they never ask us questions about ourselves. Sure they may say “that’s just how I am” or “I been really busy” but quite often that means, “I’m not feeling you like you feel me”. Which isn’t to say that they do not like you, it just means one side has stronger feelings than the other. It would behoove you to get those hearts out your eyes and pay attention lol.
So why y”all want to know why someone doesn’t want you so badly? Do you just like being punished? You know good and damn well most of us struggle with rejection and to actually hear the reasons why can be devastating. Some people tell me that they prefer hearing the reason why someone doesn’t want them because it can help them in future relationships. That sounds good but you have to really consider the source. Maybe the person who is giving you this critique is a piece of shit, or an asshole or may just not know you well enough. So their opinion of you could be dead wrong and what you think you struggle with or are bad at isn’t really the case.
Personally, I do not need an explanation as to why you do not want me. I prefer to use my imagination. I have come up with quite a few gems over the years as to reasons why women have gone ghost on me. Examples such as she died, she was intimidated by my masculinity or she got back with old dude, usually help me justify or get over the sudden rejection.
As great as my imagination is the reasons I listed above usually aren’t the reason why I got ghosted on. More often than not I get reasons such as the person she really was feeling decided to act right, she got really busy and had no time for me, she just wasn’t feeling me, she was bored and I was just something to do, bad sex (I’m not a machine dammit), I was moving too fast (no not in terms of sex lol but meaning that I was trying to turn things into a relationship before it was time), there was no chemistry or spark, etc.
All valid reasons but much more hurtful hearing them in person than leaving things to my imagination. I get it tho, some people would prefer to hear someone tell them why they do not want to be with them. I suppose it is better to basically hear another person say “hey, thank you for giving me your best but it sucks and I don’t want you” lol.
So if you are one of those people who like to hear this more power to you. Just do me a favor, do not, I repeat DO NOT beg and bargain with someone when they say they no longer want to deal with you. I have been on both sides of this fence and it can get very ugly. The person tells you they don’t want to deal with you anymore and you ask them why. They tell you the reason and instead of saying ok you say you understand and can change. The person tells you that they don’t see things changing but you don’t care, you let them know that you are feeling optimistic and want to give things another shot and will keep trying despite the odds. Of course, we know what usually happens, rarely does any of this shit work, you end up feeling resentful to the person and eventually, you hate yourself a little bit because you begged and pleaded with someone who didn’t want you. Bye, bye self-respect.
Ok, this is the part where I attempt to play devil’s advocate to those of you who ghost. People can be crazy, especially when you reject them. No one is trying to get cursed out, fussed out and threatened by another person. No one is trying to have their phone and social media blown up because someone can’t take rejection. No one has the time to deal with someone begging them to work it out or the requests to meet for “closure”.
So yeah, people are going to go ghost on you, it’s ok. Good riddance, stop bitching, complaining, questioning yourself and put that energy elsewhere. Ideally, we all would love for someone to be mature enough to give reasons but that just isn’t how things work out. I promise that the rejection is not the end of the world. I also promise that if someone does not care enough to tell you why they do not want to be with you any more than they were not worth the hassle anyway.