This could be the title of my book: Compliments and Half-assing – The Calvin Williams story lol.
I really struggle with compliments. Not giving them but receiving them. It just wasn’t something that really happened growing up.
I was awkward looking so the only person who said I was attractive was my Momma. Which is fine because I was never crazy about looks or my image. This explains my inability to dress now but that’s a whole “nother” story lol.
The things important to me growing up, well the things my father stressed and my mother reinforced were my education, sports, finding a good job, staying out of trouble and leaving my hometown. That was pretty much it.
It was funny in my household though. When I made good plays or good grades the response was always, “good that’s what you’re supposed to do” or being asked “I should reward you for doing what you’re supposed to do?” lol. Now if I didn’t do what I was supposed to do, that was my ass. As strange as it was it seemed to work.
Fast forward to now and I am more obsessed with improving myself and my career than a relationship and when a woman gives me a compliment my first instinct is to think “why… doesn’t she know how effed up I am? ” Even with all of that baggage I somehow manage. At the same time, those lessons of doing the right thing somehow still remain instilled in me so there is a strange duality that I have going on.
I just wonder if it is genuine? Not the career thing, that’s a given but my treatment of my significant other. I have had a few women tell me that I did everything right “BUT” ah yes the dreaded but. Lol, oh yeah I did the right things but it didn’t feel genuine or authentic.
Part of me feels like they just weren’t feeling me and this was their nicest way of rejection. The other half is something that I have always heard growing up, especially playing sports and in school. I tend to make things look easy or as if I am half assing. My football coach, track coaches, teachers, and friends all questioned this. Can I help it that I make certain things look easy? I am a long strider lol. I am also a very even-keeled person almost 99% of the time. Never too high or too low, can’t tell if someone died or if I just got a raise.
This must suck for whoever I am dealing with lol. You know, with that whole actions speak louder than words thing. Be like “thank you, baby, I am so happy or I appreciate this so much” yet you look at my face and only see a crooked smile lol.
Once again I could argue that by not cheating, listening to your long stories, taking you out, buying things and not making my woman look stupid out here would be an example of actions speaking louder than words but hey, we all have different requirements lol, I get it. Trust me I do.
You know, it got so bad one time I actually had to fake jealousy. I have faked mad about IG comments, men looking at the mall and a few other random instances. As a matter of fact, that reminds me of a story. My GF at the time kept telling me about her job and a secret admirer. The person left notes and even left flowers once. My thinking was well I trust you and that is what happens when you date an attractive woman. She wasn’t feeling it. The moment I fake threatened to pop up at her job? She was happier than a pig in shit. I loved her reaction but it didn’t feel right and it wasn’t authentic. So was it really worth it and is this something that I will always have to do in a relationship? Be a little fake? That really can’t be how this is supposed to work. I get compromising but compromising who I am? Then trying to figure out when I should compromise? Oy vey.
Then there is that other elephant in the room. Women notice when things aren’t authentic and pretty soon they will call you out on it or eventually stop dealing with you. So yeah talk about a conundrum.
See, this is why I am so mad the NBA season is over, I have all summer to sit and think about random stuff and overanalyze myself and my flaws. You know what? I am close to 800 words now, I think I am going to call this post a wrap lol.