I’m so used to it being just me. Seriously, I feel like I do almost everything alone or by myself minus the things that I do as a parent. Career decisions, financial, emotional everything. I cook for one, shop for one, hell, even sex is a one person process at the moment lol (I do have a birthday coming up so hope springs eternal).
There is also the aspect that because I am technically alone all of the consequences of my actions fall on me. Now as far as a support system goes? Minus a few friends, my Mom and sister there is none. Which is ok because as a man that’s how things are, no complaints and I don’t need all of those people in my affairs anyway. Also, there is the fact that the decision is still my own and at the most, all anyone can give me is support or a suggestion lol.
At the same time, when you have this mentality and this is your life it can be difficult to let someone else in. Hell, it is difficult to even figure out how to let someone in and make them a part of your world.
It’s like I’m finally comfortable with myself and have peace of mind. So is adding someone else to the equation worth the risk?
You get so used to the silence and perceived freedom. You don’t have to worry about being mistreated or being cheated on. You adjust to doing any and everything for yourself and by yourself. Hell, you also find yourself becoming very selfish and having little to zero patience with anyone else.
Sometimes what people call a “blessing” seems like a major inconvenience. Like I can’t just get up and go? I need to let someone know my plans and whereabouts? I have to be conscious of someone else’s feelings? Like, I have to speak to someone every day even when I’m not in the mood to talk?
It’s funny because so often I get accused of talking to someone else by other women but in all honesty, I’m back with my original boo for a day or two, myself lol.
Maybe this is why it’s so easy to never double text lol or find reasons not to deal with someone. It’s easy to allow someone to have an opinion of you and not care enough to explain yourself. It’s easy not to believe someone or take what they are saying as true (sure I’m the only one you talk to lol). It’s easy to not be as flexible and not even try to give them what they are asking for (what I won’t do another man will so go be with him, no need to waste each other’s time). Hell, this is probably why it’s easy to not get so upset when a woman moves on or never contacts me back either. So easy to just charge it to the game.
Not even going to lie. There have been quite a few instances where I was relieved or damn near happy a woman stopped hitting me up. Once I was talking to a woman and I just randomly saw her on IG with “bae”. I wasn’t the least bit upset, as a matter of fact, I liked the picture. same goes with snapchat, I am truly happy for you.
Lol. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship or that I fear commitment, that’s easy. I am also human and understand that we all need companionship in our lives and that love between two people can be a beautiful thing. I just find myself wondering if I even know how to do this anymore? I do make a conscious effort to date and meet people, sometimes, and it usually ends in a similar fashion lol. Are these women just not compatible with me or am I just making excuses or being difficult? Don’t get me wrong, they definitely do certain things to turn me off or give me red flags that make my decision easier but still, is it more them or me?
Hell if I know. It has to be more them than me lol. Half of the time if I’m not calling or planning a date after a few conversations I’m getting the “don’t waste my time speech” lol, which makes me want to say, get over yourself. So in the meantime, I’ll just keep being honest with myself and with women. Then one day hope that something clicks. Until then, it’s peninsula status. Luckily it’s summer so no one is trying to get cuffed anyway, but what about Autumn or the rest of my life?