Contrary to popular belief, men face a level of pressure to get married. The pressure is probably more internal than external. I can also argue that compared to women, men are probably “allowed” to be a little older before that question is asked on a frequent basis.
Some of us were told/taught that it’s what men do in our society. We grow up, get married and have kids. Hell, maybe throw in a dog or two while we’re at it.
So where does this pressure come from?
Obviously, a lot of men get pressure from their significant others. If you have been in a relationship for some period of time I am sure that she has hinted or let you know that it is time to make it official. I often hear people give certain time periods as to when a man should know he wants to marry you. Last week I read on FB that he should know after a year. Lol.
I can imagine that the number one response is “I’m not ready”. That “not ready” could mean he isn’t ready financially, mentally or emotionally.
It is expensive to have a family. I saw my Dad pay every bill except the phone bill and take care of other expenses. I currently don’t have that ability to do that. I mean I can handle my bills and expenses but, yeah lol. Mentally and emotionally can be tough too. I mean it is until “death do you part” Lol. What will it be like dealing with that person on a daily basis? The mood swings on both ends, daily interactions, the good and bad moments. It could be a stressful situation. How do you handle it?
That’s the thing with marriage. I think once that “I do” happens there is a shift in power and the larger risk falls on the man (usually). Now that the contract is signed there are major consequences for your actions that could result in a financial penalty lol. That may be why some men are fearful. I mean it would be nice to think that the fear is because they don’t want to lose their woman or treat her wrong but I doubt it. Without that paper, men can just walk away, without any legal consequences. Now depending on how hurt, petty, violent, vindictive or mean your woman is there still could be consequences, life ending ones. Just not the kind like losing half.
Peer pressure can also be a factor. Let all of your boys be married and guess what? Not only will they begin asking if you are next and ready to “grow up and settle down” you will also feel that urge. Now, this could be problematic because I feel as if a decent amount of men only, well their main reason to get married is that all their boys are. If you don’t sit your, “I don’t wanna be the only one” ass down somewhere lol.
You know on Sunday I went to see Dr. Umar Johnson speak. He said a lot of things, some that I agreed with and some that I just couldn’t cosign but there was something that he mentioned near the end of his lecture that made me laugh. He said that there were two types of men. The temporary players and permanent players. He explained that we all have a little player in us and the difference was that some of us will stop playing once we find that “one” and others will do this for life, even when we are old and gray.
So piggybacking off of that message, it leads to another fear that some of us have. That fear is being alone and being that old single guy that everyone laughs at. The guy who flirts with every woman looks at every ass and always talks about women, how they look and what he would do to them or what he used to do to women like them. I work with a few of these men lol. People don’t want to end up being old and alone like this. You know the old guy. You saw him in the club, he is 20 years older than everyone else there, he is either dressed like whatever decade he had the most fun in or trying to dress like people 20 plus years younger than him. His only pickup line is that he can pay a bill or buy you stuff and he looks so out of place and sad that you don’t know whether to feel sorry for him or laugh. I don’t really go out as often but when I go out of town for Memorial Day or Labor Day and I notice a group of older men I close my eyes and say “please don’t let this be me in 20 years”. The fear is real as hell. Like I don’t want to be 50, hitting up a few friends and suggesting going to Miami for Memorial Day or something like that. Being the old creepy guy at the bar buying drinks with the hope that someone will at least converse with us. Hell, even if I am going to more age appropriate events like a Tom Joyner cruise or something I still wouldn’t want to go alone, sheesh.
I swear the thought of that haunts me from time to time. Just gonna be out here old and searching until I die lol. With my messed up personality, stubbornness and other issues, it really could be my reality.
Lol, that sucks. Mainly because it isn’t the thrill of the chase that keeps me single or wanting to have a bunch of women. I just can’t seem to find the right one. I thought that as I got older my patience and tolerance would get better but nope, it’s worse. I was joking with one of my boy’s that at least the mid 20-year-old version of myself would tolerate and deal with someone until I had sex. Now I can’t even do that. Just be like “this ain’t gonna work” and keep it moving lol.
So as I sit here, a few days before turning 35 and I think about the fact that my “day” may not come I just laugh about it. Those days of being frustrated and pressed are over. If it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t. I will not press it. In the meantime, I am just going to relax, continue working on myself and enjoy finally having peace of mind.