If I hear something about myself enough at the very least it will make me do some self-evaluation. Not necessarily because I value the opinions of those who are giving it, but to inform them that they are wrong lol.
I hate being labeled. Good or bad, can’t stand it. Especially if you don’t know me well enough to come up with this “hypothesis” or diagnosis lol.
None of the women that I was ever in a serious relationship accused me of this but apparently, the rest disagree and a few friends. So this has to be addressed, am I emotionally unavailable? I decided to look up the word and attempt to get a definition and find a few examples.
Maybe I am and just don’t know it?
Luckily I found this post online, good old google lol – 10 Tips To Spot Emotional Unavailability
Very interesting read.
So apparently emotionally unavailable people are evasive, make excuses, or just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship.
There are also several types of unavailability – both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness and/or a troubled childhood. Others temporarily make something a higher priority than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, project, or a health concern.
Interesting. I have never really had an issue talking about my feelings (if I have any) or my relationship. Hell, I personally don’t consider my reasons excuses. I consider them facts or maybe personal flaws and furthermore would never make anyone deal with them. In fact, I always encourage people to go if they can’t deal.
Am I guilty of making other things a priority? Hell yes. There is more to life than my relationship and if I neglect those other things then the relationship won’t work anyway.
Before I address anything else let me find an article that is a little more specific.
Sexually Fast. Beware of a person who wants to become sexually familiar quickly. Often they are seducers just looking for another conquest. Or, if they are over-focused on sex it may be because they don’t feel they have anything else to offer. Once the relationship becomes too intimate, they’ll cut and run.
A Real Charmer. Look out for the person who is quick to flatter and compliment you without really knowing you. Often these people “do” charming (as opposed to “being” charming) and are adept at communicating and appearing enthusiastic and enthralled. It’s a well-rehearsed act. Their focus is on short-term intimacy, appearing to be open, revealing and vulnerable. In reality, they prefer the chase to the catch.
Complains about Past Relationships. In a discussion about their past relationships, they will denigrate their former partners. Their relationship break-ups are never because of their behavior or the problems they created. The failures of their unsuccessful partnerships are always based on the faults of their exes. They lack the maturity to take responsibility for their mistakes in their past relationships.
Can’t Pass the Screen for Intimacy.Make sure to probe a new person to find out why past long-term relationships did not work and ended. Ask questions to discern whether failure occurred because of their inability to develop intimacy or other issues that would give you pause for concern.
What They Say.Often emotionally unavailable people will say, “I’m just not good at having a relationship,” or “I don’t think I’m ready for marriage.” Believe them! In this case, they are not lying. But don’t fall into their trap: there is something terribly seductive about trying to be “the one” who turns them around. Don’t try. Accept their negative pronouncements. This may be the first and only time you’ll hear them speak the truth (as they know it).
How They Treat Others. Especially when out in public with them, notice whether they treat others with kindness or contempt. For example, if they are rude to a waiter or taxi driver, it may be indicative of their pent-up anger. This is a signal that they are a demanding and emotionally abusive person who will one day turn their anger on you.
Their Character. Avoid someone with a big ego, filled with conceit, who tries to win favor by bragging about who they are or what they have. This is a red flag that signals their low self-esteem and lack of emotional health. Emotionally healthy people who have done some sort of personal development, by contrast, show a quiet confidence that says they can be intimate and committed despite their flaws.
Watch Out for Perfectionists.Emotionally unavailable people tend to be perfectionists, always looking for the fatal flaw or character defect that gives them permission to exit a relationship and move on. In reality, they are debilitated by their own self-criticism and fear of being rejected. They are so frightened of intimacy that eventually they’ll find an excuse for leaving a relationship. (The booby prize is thinking that you’ll ever be good enough to meet their impossible standards.)
Self-Centered Behavior.Beware of someone who operates the relationship as if it should revolve around them. These individuals set the agenda for a relationship, control it, and won’t be inconvenienced by having to modify their routine or the plans they’ve made. This type of emotionally unavailable person is commitment-phobic, and not relationship-oriented. They are inflexible and loathe having to compromise.
Elusive Conduct. They seem to be available only when convenient for them. Your requests for more time with them are met with excuses about how hard they’re working or how tired they feel. Even after a seemingly intimate weekend, they can disappear for long periods with no regular contact. Their actions are incongruent with their words. It’s easy for them to utter an “I love you,” and then act in a way that is unloving.
You Can’t Read Them Clearly. An emotionally unavailable person will try to confuse you to death with mixed messages – one day, they want to commit to you, and the next, they don’t even want a relationship.Or, in regards to friendship, the friend may ask you questions about yourself, but don’t want to reveal much about themselves. One minute, they seem to want a deeper connection, and the next, they run away from the vulnerability of the situation. You can’t really get a clear feel for their intentions, but you know you feel confused and frustrated. An emotionally available person will tell you their intentions up front, and stick to them. The person may come on strongly at first, only to back away very quickly, leaving you hanging.
They Already Have A Committed Relationship. If you have interest in someone who already has a partner, then listen up. You definitely don’t want to continue a relationship with this person, as they’ll just end up hurting you in the end. Of course, if you don’t want a serious relationship, and feel comfortable with open relationships, then this could work out fine. It just depends on what you want in a relationship. However, someone who has multiple partners likely has vulnerability issues, since they can’t commit to just one person. They don’t want to invest in any one person in case it gets too serious.
An emotionally unavailable person will never consider your feelings. This person likely never asks how you feel, and instead only considers their own desires.They could care less about what you want, and care all about what they want. The world revolves around them in their eyes, so they don’t pay much attention to how you feel. Every decision they make only puts them higher on the totem pole, and they don’t care who they leave behind. If this sounds like your relationship, you likely have an emotionally unavailable partner.
They don’t want to know much about you. An emotionally unavailable person sees people as objects, and try to manipulate them to benefit themselves in life. They see everyone as a potential pawn in their game, and play with people’s heads in order to move them in the direction they see fit. They are master manipulators, and are champions of their own game. They will only show interest in the sexual side of the relationship, and won’t attempt to connect further with anyone. As a friend, they will show little interest in getting to know you, and instead, talk about base-level things with you. They likely had an emotionally or physically abusive person in their lives as a childhood, so in turn, they feel scared to open up to anyone. They may have had emotionally abusive parents, or had a physically abusive boyfriend or girlfriend at a young age. A lifelong studyof people in England, Scotland and Wales found that people who felt their parents were overly controlling or encouraged dependence had lower levels of happiness and overall well-being later in life. So, if you have an emotionally unavailable partner or friend, their past could reveal a lot of answers about their current behavior.
You will always feel like something’s missing with them. You always want them to do or say a little more, but they never do. There’s a certain element of mystery and frustration that looms in the air in your relationship, and you feel like all signs point to them. You can’t figure them out, and they don’t give you the opportunity to try. They shut you out just as you feel you’re getting close to them, because they fear emotional intimacy with anyone.
They don’t like talking in person. An emotionally unavailable person will engage in several behaviors that will point to their fear of emotional commitment. They will avoid eye contact when you do talk in person, but most of the time, they prefer texting, emailing, or talking on the phone. Why? Well, technology makes them feel safer. They have a virtual barrier between them and the other person, so they don’t have to open up as much. They can send Emojis if they feel like showing any type of emotion at all, and will continue to make excuses as to why they can’t meet up with you. They have a very hard time leaving their comfort zone, and will do anything to avoid face-to-face interactions.
They will seem cold, unfeeling, and distant. Your emotionally unavailable partner or friend will keep you at arm’s length, simply because they’ve been taught not to trust people. The people they wanted to trust the most in life from an early age let them down, so they’ve known nothing but betrayal and hurt. They just don’t have the capacity to fully give themselves to another, or show that they actually care about you. So, they put up walls as a way to keep themselves from getting hurt, because they can’t take that kind of pain again.
Ok, let’s see if I can address these signs and see if they apply.
- I generally attempt to hold off on sex. As sexually liberated as people are and the fact that we are adults there is nothing “to really be proud of” or brag about in regards to having sex with women. Like what exactly am I conquesting when all adults have sex? I don’t get it. Another reason that I attempt to hold off is mainly that it complicates things and at this stage of my life I am somewhat tired of being accused of “using someone”. I also feel that I have more to offer than sex sooooo, this doesn’t really apply.
- Lol, no one has EVER in my adult life called me charming. Unless maybe if I am drunk and even then that is rare.
- I don’t even bring up past relationships unless I am asked or it is relevant to the conversation. Even then there are really no complaints and I have no issue taking accountability if it failed. In fact, some people say I take too much blame. So, no this doesn’t apply.
- I suppose this is more subjective. I do know that I have no issue telling you what happened.
- Hmmm. I tell people I need my space from time to time, is this the same thing?
- Lol, I am overly nice to people in the service industry. As far as other strangers I may see on the street? I do not engage.
- I don’t brag.
- I am not a perfectionist however I can be very structured and overly critical of myself. So maybe this applies?
- I wouldn’t say it revolves around me but if I am leading then well follow or leave me alone. I will admit that my structure can be an issue. I mean I live off of a schedule. So you may catch me sticking to a budget, on a diet, with a gym routine. This may be a problem in the early stages of dating but I still don’t grasp how this is a sign of being commitment-phobic. Besides all of these things that I am strict about should be a sign of discipline, organization, and maturity but I digress, I suppose I can be guilty of this.
- I will at least text you, sheesh. Time is valuable and as I mentioned earlier, I do work off of a schedule in order to maximize time. The irony is however if I am seeing someone I will make time to include them into the schedule. Now if they still can’t fit then oh well. Oh yeah, and that “I love you thing”? I’m not saying that shit unless I mean it. Shit, be happy I say that I like you sometimes.
- Lol. This one is interesting. I have been known to voice my intentions pretty clearly and still I find myself being told that I am confusing someone. Also, people can be moody and well, Hell I don’t know. I suggest you go by whatever I tell you first.
- Nope, I am single.
- I will consider your feelings, however, if it will compromise the truth, then well I just can’t do it. It is like I tell you the truth or say nothing at all. Those are the options.
- Ok, I learn by listening and observing. So more often than not the women that I meet will talk quite a bit and tell me what I need to know. That could be based on their questions, they will just flat out volunteer information or just generally observe them and spend time with them. Hell, if I am around you I can figure you out much better than giving you 21 questions. I don’t have a problem opening up, it’s just that well, I am not that deep lol. So when people keep asking for layers I am like “there really aren’t that many”.
- Get out of your heads. I am an open book and what I say I mean, plain and simple.
- I prefer talking in person than over the phone. At the same time, I have moments where I want to be alone so then yeah, no need to talk in person.
- I am a logical, even keeled person. I am also an open book. Now the book may be short and boring but it is wide open.
So there you go am I emotionally unavailable? If you ask me no I am not and that is all that matters. Have a great day lol.