The story of the young lady from Illinois who was raped and killed at the hotel party was sad and terrible.
What was just as terrible in my opinion was the reaction. The numerous reposts on social media of the video with her voice in the background, the speculation and the blame game that the majority of people seem to be engaging in.
Because we do not know what happened I will not speak on that situation directly. Instead, what I will talk about is some of the reactions, the victim blaming, rape culture and men and women’s role. Specifically, men’s role because well, I’m a man and a father.
So is it me or does it seem as if everyone want’s to blame the friends? I hate to state the obvious but rape and murder can’t happen if someone doesn’t rape or murder someone. I understand that we should all take precautions but it still does not excuse the person or person’s who raped and killed that child. I was surprised at all the posts about the friends being at fault. I get it, let me find an analogy. Let’s say that you leave your car unlocked, the key’s in the ignition and the window down. Someone decides to take your car. Yes, you didn’t take all of the precautions that you should have taken but it was still wrong and the person who stole the vehicle was at fault. The judge isn’t going to say, well yeah he/she stole your car but they are innocent because you gave them the opportunity to do so. Not how it works.
At the same time, when it comes to topics like this I imagine that if I had a daughter I would tell her what precautions to take as a young woman to prevent sexual assault. What is crazy is that you can’t prevent sexual assault. At best all you can do is take precautions that maybe will decrease the chance of it happening. So with this knowledge, even if something happened to my daughter I wouldn’t chastise her publicly or in person, despite knowing that maybe she was careless. It would do more harm than good and make her feel at fault when we all know that it isn’t her fault.
I must admit that I am ignorant to certain things. One of them being that I do not know how someone decides or becomes a rapist. Part of it is that my father taught me how to be a gentleman (I didn’t listen to everything but I listened to most of it). There is also the fact that I am not the most aggressive brother in regards to dealing with women. Especially sexually. I can also be slow at times so I need to be 100% sure before I attempt to do anything. Hell, you may not even get a kiss from me if I have any doubts lol. Makes for some lonely nights and some epic failures with women but it works for me in the long run. There is also the fact that I am not pressed. If she doesn’t give me any I can go home and choke one out. It isn’t the end of the world and it’s less work anyway. My hand has never texted me at 2am asking “so what are we”.
So how do men become this way? Is this a mental disease? Did their father or mother not teach them how to interact with women? Maybe they learned from movies, tv, music or other boys or young men how to treat a woman? I was under the impression that no means no but for some men maybe they are taught that no means yes? Maybe it is because men are taught to take initiative, be aggressive, take control and be dominant while women are taught the opposite? I really don’t know.
Let me backtrack. You know the TV thing is kind of sketchy. I remember as a kid watching an episode of A Different World and the dude who played Bruce Leroy from The Last Dragon attempted to rape one of the characters. He was on the baseball team and he attempted to date rape “Freddie” but luckily Dwayne Wayne stopped him. Hell, this was in the early 90’s and I still remember it all of these years later. Now add all of the other TV shows, the Law & order’s etc. and movies who touch this topic and I find it hard to believe that TV is the root cause of men becoming rapists.
I decided to look up the definition of “rape culture”, here is what I found – rape culture is a sociological concept used to describe a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality. Behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, slut shaming, sexual objectification, trivializing rape, denial of widespread rape, refusing to acknowledge the harm caused by some forms of sexual violence, or some combination of these.
I touched on the victim blaming. The slut shaming topic is interesting. Personally, I don’t think I have ever thought that sluts deserved to be raped, my only thought was that they deserve to be paid because that is what they are about, money. She can be a slut, sex worker, porn star or whatever but I will never think “she was asking for it”. If there is anything negative I would think that they wouldn’t want normal, traditional relationships and men would be crazy to attempt to have one with them and shouldn’t. Sexual objectification, well yes I objectify some women who I find extremely attractive. I could care less about their personality, personal life, opinions, hell I don’t even want to hear them talk. I have also said or thought to myself if given the opportunity I would have sex with them. Strictly based off of looks or body type. Even with that thought, the sex was never in my mind to be something forced ( I have thought to myself that the only way I could get it would be to probably pay for it) and in fact, when in the same room or club with some of these women I wouldn’t even speak and barely made eye contact. There is nothing trivial about rape. That is probably one of the worst things you could do to someone, hell I think it is worse than murder. At least if they kill you it’s over, but you have to live with rape forever. Denial of rape? You know, I used to wonder when I was younger how often it happened and then I began to date. That changed my view on everything. To be honest with you I have probably dated more women who have been sexually assaulted than those who have not. Hell, if I were to do an estimate of how many women have been sexually assaulted in this country, I would guess around 60 – 70%, probably even more. So there is no doubt in my mind that it happens… a lot.
As I looked into this definition of rape culture you know one thing that I wish was mentioned sooner? Alcohol. What started as me being stubborn, cheap and defiant is now something that I truly believe in. I do not buy drinks for women when I am out. Unless you are my date and even then there is a limit. I learned this in the military. If a woman has been drinking she can’t give consent. Also… drunk women suck lol, hate being around them. They get loud, clumsy and twerk too damn much. Hell, super drunk people in general suck but this isn’t relevant to this post.
Maybe it is relevant. Men, back to that drinking thing, slow it down. You don’t make the best decisions when you are drunk. Maybe that is why you are so aggressive or become so pressed or do something that you shouldn’t do. It has been established that no matter how under the influence you are you can’t use that as an excuse for doing anything i.e. assaulting someone so I suggest you chill out.
So let’s take a look at what society tells us. We are taught to buy women drinks at the bar. Why tho? Is it to be nice? Is this what we do in exchange for her time and conversation? Could it be a way to make her more relaxed and less inhibited and more likely to give us some? You tell me. Think about songs that you have heard over the years. Think about the movies you have seen where guys are like let’s get them drunk or women are saying they want to get drunk and do whatever. Now that culture is real and needs to be looked at. The first step is to stop buying people drinks and if you feel as if they are drunk? Do not leave with them or really engage. Maybe exchange numbers or social media information and then you can talk to them the following day.
Besides, when you think about how people really look outside of the club lighting or when you are completely sober. The way men are being set up to be robbed by women. The number of people who aren’t really single and can get you caught up. The way people smell after being out all night sweating, dancing, and drinking. High STD rates. The fact that some people may not identify with the gender that was on their birth certificate. It is probably smart not to engage in one night stands anyway.
Sorry I got sidetracked.
So how do we prevent this rape culture? I guess the this falls on the parents first. The father’s and/or mothers have to talk to their kids and let them know what is and isn’t right, then go from there.
Oh yeah and last thing, dates including fly outs do not mean that sex will happen. Maybe you went to a restaurant that didn’t have a 2 for 20 or did something creative. Buying someone a meal or taking them out does not mean that sex will happen. If you prefer a more traditional barter system go to backpage. Exchange money for services. Hell, maybe ask women would they pay for sex, if that is all you want anyway. Why waste time dating if you really don’t want to? Also back to the flyout thing, I don’t care what freaky things she sexted you, I don’t care if you exchanges nudes, I don’t care if she said she will suck you like a vacuum. Hell, I don’t care if you have a room and she is sleeping in it that night. Still, doesn’t mean sex will happen.
That’s how it goes nowadays fellas, I suggest you govern yourselves accordingly.