It’s probably safe to say that a lot of us have at some point talked to, dated, been in a relationship or had sex with someone who was already in a relationship. Some of us knowingly and some of us unknowingly.
I am going to specifically speak to those of us who have done this unknowingly. I swear everytime I hear or read the phrase “he/she had a whole ass wife/husband or gf/bf” I can’t help but laugh.
I feel your pain, trust me.
I’m always curious as to what usually happens when you confront the person? What excuse do they give you? We sleep in separate rooms and are just together for the kids? We are separating? There is my personal favorite, “I know I’m wrong but I really care about you, we can make this work” lol. Then we have the “we were taking a break and this just kinda happened but I care about you” and some people just deny until the end. Even with proof they will say it’s a friend or ex and tell you that you are wrong or find some way to justify lol.
It’s hilarious because for the longest it seemed as if all of the women who talked to me already had a BF or husband. They would either be fake single online, on dating apps or the few times I would venture out of the house, perpetrating as if they were single.
It never fails, I could post something on social media and get the “eyes” or a message in my inbox, next thing you know we are messaging and exchanging information. Literally, have had women snap me their titties and on the same day post a picture with their significant other proclaiming their love for them. This isn’t too bad on my end because there never was really an investment on my part but I imagine it would suck if their significant other knew that they were sending random people their nudes. Got me all hyped, thinking I have a layup only to find out she already got a man lol.
Then you have the situation where maybe you used to talk to someone and for whatever reason, you fall off. It wasn’t that serious so you don’t really dislike them or anything. Then all out of the blue they hit you up asking what happened and you guys reconnect. You may end up talking daily, dating, etc. etc. and things are going well. No title involved so you are aware that at any moment they could find someone else but that’s the risk you take. Then one day they may slip up and mention they’re significant other or they slip up and you catch them on social media posting them. So, of course, you confront them and some will dead ass say “oh I thought you knew” or act confused as to why you are upset. Saying dumb stuff like “I figured you would be ok with it” or “we already had sex so why stop now, the damage is done”. I will never forget, I once had a woman tell me “well you didn’t ask so I didn’t tell you” lol.
Then there is the long distance thing. Y’all talking heavy and selling each other dreams. Planning the next visit and your future. Meanwhile they “have a whole ass gf/bf or wife/husband” that they live with. In hindsight, you feel stupid because you should have known. All the signs were there, that’s why convos would end abruptly or they always “fell asleep” or you never heard from them between 6pm to 7am lol.
I found myself at some point thinking what is it about me that attracts cheaters? What is it that I am giving off? I mean, don’t they say that you are what you attract…or some ish like that? It really had me doing self-evaluation and wondering, what am I doing wrong?
Nothing. It’s them.
I think that people who cheat generally are manipulative or think that they are smarter than everyone. You have to feel this way. I mean, to think that out of all the people in the world who get caught cheating you feel as if your significant other will never find out. Then to have the balls to think that the person you are cheating with will never find out too? Lol, you’re just that much smarter than everyone else huh?
There is also this culture of cheating. It is almost acceptable. Now, I am not going to go off on this nostalgic kick and say cheating wasn’t a thing in previous generations because it was. I mean, that is why our parents have so many half-sisters and brothers now lol. I will say, however, that people are less inclined to hide it and don’t really get ostracized for cheating. Hell, we have a show dedicated to side chicks lol.
So how do we prevent ourselves from being a “victim” lol? To be honest we really can’t because people lie, however, we have to at least attempt to take precautions. Personally I do not follow all of these rules, however for article’s sake lol, I will share what steps I would take. Check their ring finger, maybe the ring that they took off left an imprint. You have to ask people if they are in a relationship up front. Yes, they may lie but at least ask. Maybe this will save you when you get caught up with them and their significant other is threatening to kill you. You can be like “I didn’t know, I asked and they lied to me” lol. Ok, probably not. You also should make a conscious effort to follow them on multiple social media sites… so you can research lol. Click on those comments, check their profile. You should also have at least one nosey ass friend who is petty. If you don’t feel comfortable snooping, have that friend do the research for you. You should also pay close attention to them. Notice their habits and tendencies. When they contact you, schedules, etc. FT and call more than text. I’m just saying, at least make them work a little bit harder to deceive you. Doesn’t this seem like too much? Shouldn’t you just be able to trust someone and not go through this? Hell if I know. What I do know is that even with all of these precautions you STILL can’t prevent yourself from being the other man/woman, sheesh.
You know what frustrates me, the people who usually cheat are the ones who initiate it. Generally, you are minding your business and they hit you up or make the first move. I guess it’s easier to put yourself out there when you already have someone. They also seem so accommodating, understanding and patient. Always asking to be in a relationship, selling you dreams and ish, knowing good and well that nothing will come of things. It is also frustrating that this person takes away my choice to make a decision and can potentially put me in danger. Maybe I am in an “ain’t shit” mood and feel like messing with someone in a relationship so you telling me upfront wouldn’t change my mind lol. Not to mention that people have been shot for less. You out here thinking that everything is sweet and meanwhile their significant other who you don’t know exists is plotting on shooting you and him/her.
So yeah, I say all of this to say… we are probably screwed lol. Cheaters are going to cheat. So remember that it has nothing to do with you. They are cheaters, they probably holla at everyone they are attracted to or think they can lie to, so you aren’t special or any different. You just responded first lol and if it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else.
Stop blaming yourself.