Fear…

In honor of Halloween I guess I can write about something that scares the shit out of me…

It isn’t snakes, dying, getting my heart broke or child support. I killed a snake before, not afraid to die and I survived the last two thus far lol. Instead it is my fear that I may be too self sufficient. Sounds crazy huh?

Just look at the definition of the word.

adjective
adjective: self-sufficient
  • needing no outside help in satisfying one’s basic needs, especially with regard to the production of food.
    emotionally and intellectually independent.
    “their son was a little bit of a loner and very self-sufficient”
    synonyms: self-supportingself-reliantself-sustaining, able to stand on one’s own two feet

As a single man this is important. Being able to take care of myself is a must. From cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc. etc. Hell basically everything a responsible adult does. That’s a goof thing. However, it get’s tricky after that because, for better or worse I am also emotionally self sufficient. So 9 times out of 10 anything I need emotionally I got it. If I need love, positive thoughts, support, motivation, approval, hell anything I somehow either manufacture it myself or I go without it. This is where logic, writing, researching and the gym come in handy I suppose.

I can’t say that I am totally self sufficient because on some occasions I can vent to my friends or my sister. Shout out to them.

So let me explain how this self sufficiency is turns into a fear.

I am so used to doing everything by myself and not really needing anyone that I do not know if I can change long term. This could be problematic if there is ever going to be someone else involved in my life. So often I have had women say I don’t open up or share many things going on in my life with them. I always think to myself “what’s the point, you can’t do anything about it and I will resolve it by myself like I always do” or if it is negative, why put that stress on you?

What can be even more frustrating is that even when people do things for me I look at them funny and usually reject it or ask why. Lol, I have turned down simple things like meals, concerts, gifts or outings in general just because I am not used to it or it doesn’t feel right. This can also applies to allowing someone to get close emotionally because hell, to be quite honest there is a small part of me that feels as if I let someone in there they will hold it against me as well.

Lol, that sounds like self sufficiency with a little bit of paranoia sprinkled in.

I swear, there is just so much comfort in being self sufficient. You only have to worry about yourself and you don’t have to depend on anyone else. Not to mention that it often feels that I can handle, deal with or survive/overcome anything by myself. That is a pretty powerful feeling. So while it can be stressful at times it also feels better than the alternative. Like, I’m ok with letting myself down, it’s that whole having other’s let me down that get’s to me. So this in turn makes it easier to let people go after the first few signs of conflict or change. You can just tell yourself, hell, why try or deal with her when I can just go back to my good old comfort zone?

So imagine someone who has been this way for damn near a decade trying to make that adjustment permanently? I say permanently because I had a few hiccups, I meant relationships over the years lol.

I just don’t like depending on folk lol. I am so used to this life and I think that I have finally found my groove. Physically, mentally and career wise a brother is making strides. Hell, even socially (ok, maybe not quite socially but I’m trying). So is it worth the risk? I guess we will see but right now my biggest fear is that I won’t be able to shake it. So much so that I will not even really try. Which is worse than getting your heart broken in my opinion because at least with that, it means you tried and made the effort.

Happy Halloween.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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