“I mean if that’s how you feel…”.
How many of you have ever said this to a woman after she poured her heart out to you and was on the verge of leaving you alone?
I have been through this more times than I would like to admit. Either she jumped to some conclusion about me or maybe she was explaining why things won’t work between us, maybe we should just be friends or maybe it was just a “test” to see how I really felt about her.
I get it, I know it comes off as if I don’t care, or that I am too laid back.
I was always taught to always “mean what I say” and I have that same belief or take the same approach from other people. I believe that whatever they say they mean. So whether they were just angry, drunk or “testing” me I am going to be inclined to believe that there is some truth in whatever it is that you are telling me.
So over the years when I heard, “maybe we should end things”, “this isn’t going to work”, “let’s just be friends” or whatever I would always accept that.
Well, let’s not say always. There have been a few instances where I attempted to overlook what was said or “fight for things” so to speak and it never ended well. More often than not whatever it was the person said originally, it eventually happened, the process was just delayed. So maybe instead of things ending in March, they ended in May… who-hoo lol.
This is why I don’t get this whole “fighting for love” or “fighting for us” thing that people claim men should do. You know how I fight for a relationship or love? I do what I am supposed to do in the relationship and whenever there are issues that are brought to my attention (like an adult) I do what is needed to resolve them or change whatever behavior that needs to be changed. That is what I consider fighting for love.
This ultimatum, testing my love, childish stuff that some people do isn’t the move. It almost seems forced if you really think about it. I don’t know about you but I would rather someone do things voluntarily but that’s just me.
Not to mention that it promotes and rewards negative habits or behavior. It lowkey sets the tone that if someone throws the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum or lies they can get their significant other to do what they want. Yes, saying something that you really don’t mean is a lie in my opinion.
The irony is that there have been situations where I recently (past few years) really wanted to “fight” for something but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was dating someone for a month or so and things were going well. We had a bad week and we were discussing the issue. I apologized for what I felt was wrong but it didn’t seem to land. Then before I knew it, she hit me with the “you know what, I am going to gracefully bow out, I can’t do this”. Like damn, after only a few bad days? I must admit my little old feelings were hurt. I had to pause for a second and analyze everything. So my heart and brain literally had a discussion. The heart was like, bruh you really like this woman, she makes you feel good and yes you want to build something with her, and yes we had more good times than bad, beg for another chance. Meanwhile, my brain was like, bruh this broad just sat here and told you that she was done with you over a minor misunderstanding like you didn’t mean anything lol. She let two months of good times go to waste over a few days of the bad. If this does work who is to say that she won’t pull this again but this time actually leave? You know what you must do, respond accordingly.
Lol and that is what I did. I told her ok and minus her commenting on a few pictures on social media we never spoke again. So I imagine the correct decision was made.
I always get flack from the few women friends that I have for being this way and have this logic. Yet when I ask them, if a man tells you he is done with you or wants things to end what do you do? They always tell me that they end things. So why is it different for me? Why do I need to “fight for it”. You don’t beg for a job back once they fire you, I’m sorry.
Also, let me get back to this whole “testing” and emotion thing.
As another adult, you shouldn’t have to “test” another adult. It is manipulative and deceitful and says more about you than the person being tested.
In regards to emotions, I get it. We are human and we all have them, but at some point, there is a level of expectation to control them. I can’t get mad and hit you, or verbally abuse you and say, well I was being emotional I didn’t mean it. Just like you shouldn’t be able to hit me or say verbally abusive things. That is the beauty of being an adult and exhibiting self-control. Hell, that is a sign of love. Like, I love you so much instead of just reacting or blurting something potentially mean or hurtful out I will stop myself and actually think before doing something that we could regret later.
I am aware that this logic is probably why I am single. I am also aware that it could lead to a long and lonely life. Hell, I know that we all should be able to forgive people we care about but damn, is this asking too much? You want me to have self-control and not stick my penis into other women but you can’t have enough self-control to not “fake” end things with me or better yet, be too proud to apologize for it? I honestly think that if this were a one-time occurrence I could forgive the other party. I mean we all make mistakes but if there is a pattern that is a different story.
I really do hope that my view changes but until then, every time I get these ultimatums or whatever, my response will remain the same when someone tells me that they are done with me or whatever, “If that’s how you feel…”