I asked this question a few weeks ago in a Facebook group.
What are things men shouldn’t do until married in your opinion?
I asked because quite often I hear always hear men and women say or suggest women shouldn’t give certain privileges or do certain things until married. So what would be the male equivalent of that?
No sex? Not spending money? Not living together? Not taking out her trash or maybe helping her with car issues or something? Lol. I am trying to think of some of the traditional male gender roles or stereotypes that would apply to this and I am drawing a blank.
The funny thing is that I was always taught that you put your best foot forward or present yourself as the finished product, you know, practice how you play so to speak. Not saying that this is what I have always done lol, but this is what I was taught.
Believe it or not it actually came in handy in some instances. Back when I was a little younger and maybe had a larger fear of commitment this was my go-to excuse. “I’m not ready”, “I’m not where I need to be”. Now the I’m not where I need to be thing applied to not only the obvious financially but also emotionally.
Of course, I would always hear the rebuttal that “it’s not all about the money” from women but I grew up in a household where the husband paid pretty much all of the bills and took care of the family. Meanwhile, I was making payment arrangements on my monthly cell phone bill lol, so let’s just say that I wasn’t quite ready to be anyone’s breadwinner.
Emotionally? Well, I would always hear “I like how you are, don’t change” lol. Of course, that never lasted long and usually ended with attempting to explain myself, only to be told that I was wrong, followed by complaints about how laid back and lackadaisical I was.
So yeah, I had my excuses ready lol. You know it’s a funny thing. If you say or do something for a long period of the time you could possibly end up believing it. So much so that it becomes your reality.
So when I was finally ready to commit to someone I was held hostage by the excuses that turned into my reality and insecurities. I always found myself wondering am I able to be that man like my father was? The provider and someone’s support system? I don’t know. Can I coexist with another person? Like what if I just wake up one day and say, “I’m tired of her ass” and leave? I mean it wouldn’t be the first time.
Then something amazing happened to me. I became more involved with social media (more specifically twitter) and for the first time in my life, outside of my mother and sister, I began to see some women’s POV. I swear, being on social media with women reminded me of that time I had to go with my sister to get my hair braided in a salon. The things women were saying so freely? Sheesh. Not saying it is a bad thing, just that it was somewhat of a shock.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love observing people. So that is what I did, I observed. Lol, and damn, the things that I saw and read in regards to relationships and interactions with men. So this is how Y’all really feel? From $200 dates to shooting their shot to fuckboys to feminism to time wasting, to cash app me for my time to men are trash I have seen some interesting things. Smh and of course instead of noticing some of the positives I focused more on the negatives because well, they helped reinforce my beliefs that I am not husband material.
I mean really, who looks at the positive? Lol.
So as I continued to read meme after meme, post after post I told myself, Calvin you are right, you aren’t marriage material. You are boring, stubborn, corny, too logical, you don’t eat butt ( so there was th… nvm), you aren’t obsessed with anyone, we know you aren’t going to contact anyone after they block you, you are emotionally unavailable, you ain’t shit and you’re cheap.
At least I’m kinda tall and have a beard tho? Does that help? Nah, that doesn’t balance things out? Sheesh.
Lol, so here I am. Excuses for days and no accountability to be found. That wasn’t how I was raised, but damn it’s just easier to shift the blame.
So after some soul-searching, I came to this conclusion. We as men have to decide when we are “husband material”. We can’t blame other women or society if we are not. Sure, often times they set standards but that still has no impact, well it shouldn’t have any impact on you as a man.
Hell, I still don’t know if I am husband material but I do know that its no one else’s fault.
I must also say that this isn’t a “do better” post for men. I mean let’s be real, at this stage of your adult lives I Imagine you know what is right and what is wrong (Preferably you will have standards, morals and be fair and treat people accordingly). All that I am saying is just figure out who you are as a man and embrace whatever it is that you are. Then just be upfront with whoever it is that you are and go from there.
You have plenty of time lol. Think about it, until it becomes socially acceptable for women to propose and marry men we all have time and more leverage than we realize. I feel like, as long as you are truly yourself and honest about it someone will eventually deal with you and your ish lol.
This is why you see so many different types of men who may not be a “prize” by societies standards having a wife. There really is somebody for everybody lol.
So go find her…or don’t, just remember it’s no one’s fault but your own if you can’t.