Wins & Losses

You know one thing that I hate? It’s that I take losses too well. Like, I wish that I were more of a sore loser or at least wish that I wouldn’t always just have no issue accepting my perceived fate.

I wasn’t always this way, as a matter of fact, I often would get mad as hell everytime that I lost, no matter what it was. Hell, I was a borderline sore loser. Whether it be sports, board games, school, no matter what it was, if I wasn’t at the top or in first place I would be pissed about it.

Of course, as I grew up, thanks to my dad, and my personal experiences I became more even-keeled about things. So whenever something didn’t go my way he would always say “you will be fine, never too high, never to low” and then he would conclude that with “it builds character”.

Not bad lessons to have per say, but with each loss or situation I came to the realization that you know, this is life, it isn’t always fair and that you can’t win them all. So with this reality, you shouldn’t let things impact you or get you down.

Giving up is way harder than trying… – Ye.

Lol, if only I would have heard these Kanye lyrics about 25 years ago, who knows?

I look back at my childhood and I reminisce about how I wasn’t always so accepting. I was (and still am) always shy but believe it or not, I always wanted to have friends, be cool, dress nice, be popular and go out and do things like other kids my age. However, that wasn’t an option when you grow up with strict, religious parents. It all seems minor when I think about it now but at the moment? Lol, I used to be devastated. When I asked to go out places, maybe ask for the name brand stuff, to stay over with friends, etc. I always heard no. Mainly for valid reasons but still lol. So at some point, in my early teens, I was just like, you know what, why bother? I will just accept things as they are and longer worry about it. Besides, I will be in college on my own in a few years so I can do these things then.

So that’s what I did. Well as much as I could. Whenever my wallet and my social awkwardness allowed it to happen.

Someone asked me my first big loss or heartbreak. My dumb ass said it was when I could no longer play football. It really was though. The fact that this was my biggest heartbreak lets me know how fortunate I was as a child and that I really didn’t go through anything major (well there were a few things but I was able to compartmentalize them). No death’s in the family, my parents remained married, never had to worry about being homeless, no woman broke my heart because well I was too afraid to talk to them anyway lol.

Then relatives began to die. Uncle, Grandma, Uncle, Grandma, Dad, Aunt, Cousin, Cousin… all in a 3 to 4-year span. So let’s cycle back to my upbringing. Yes, this is sad but these things happen, but it builds character, no one is going to feel sorry for you, adjust.

So, that’s what I did, after grieving extremely hard after my father passed I adjusted. Death happens, deal with it and move on.

That is how I carried it, and it seeped into other parts of my life. I failed this test? Oh well, I will be ok, just have to pass the next one. I didn’t get this job? Oh well, I will just apply to others.

Also during this time, I began dating and “interacting” with women. Nothing too serious, mainly casual or temporary. Typical college stuff. I did have one woman who lowkey “broke my heart” but I got over her pretty quickly.

Then I became a Dad and well, my perspective changed. All of a sudden I wanted to have that traditional family. Man, woman, and kid, living together, married and whatnot. I was in love, I couldn’t see myself not being around my son’s mother and son. Even when I left for the military I was miserable daily being away from them. Then a funny thing happened. My son’s mother and I ended things and I was no longer able to see my son daily. Talk about a gut punch.

Old habits die hard I guess because eventually I adjusted and got used to it. Being away from my son and being single. It’s not always ideal but finding coping mechanisms and applying logic to my situation makes the adjustment easier.

So now as I sit, in my Wu-tang year (I turn 36 in July) lol I wonder what if I fought harder, even though I knew, well know that my son’s mother and I weren’t compatible. I also think, what if I felt this way with the women I dated after? Who knows?

Well, I know but something in me tells me “you will be ok without her”, “this is part of life” or “your day will come eventually”. That enough cliches for you? Then logic kicks in and tells me that you have lost relatives including your Dad and you can’t even see your son every day but you are surviving. So why be pressed or stress over some woman? Like who do you know who has ever died from heartbreak or someone no longer wanting to be with them? No one that I know (unless it is on some Romeo and Juliet, or suicide stuff).

So yeah, talk about one hell of a catch 22? Interested to see how this turns out lol but I am willing to bet if I were to get into another relationship and it didn’t work I would just shrug it off. Not saying that I didn’t care but justify it somehow with a saying like “it’s better to have loved and lost” or “things happen for a reason” and keep it moving.

Better yet, is the fact that I know that I will be fine no matter what impacting me positively or negatively? Like does that impact my effort in relationships? Lol, ok I am rambling now, y’all get my original point… I hope.

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