My sickness

I have a very severe disease. I’m pretty sure it’s hereditary. I didn’t even realize how severe it was until I became a teenager.

The disease? Pride. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? No disrespect to people who have legit diagnosable diseases or sicknesses or anything but sometimes it’s what this feels like.

I can find myself reflecting or replaying scenarios and thinking to myself “Calvin why did or didn’t you say that?” or “what in the Hell is wrong with you”.

I used to always hear my Grandmother say this phrase “boy you would cut your nose off to spite your face” lol. If that ain’t me? Smh.

Anything to prove a damn point or to be right. No matter what I have to lose in the process.

It’s a corny story but I’ll share. I’ll never forget the summer before my freshman year or High school. I was 13 years old at the time and everyone was preparing for football season. I’ll tell anyone who asks me who my first love was and I will always say football lol. I played since I was 4 years old and my dream like most kids was to go pro. It was my Dad’s dream too. He was the person who lied about my age so I could play, coached almost all of my teams and gave me critiques on my little league games, harsher than Skip Bayless does Lebron James. So where was I, oh yeah, the previous 2 years (before my freshman year of high school) I played rec and middle school football and every year I got taken off of the team. My father had a rule, if you make any C’s on your report card or get into trouble, I take you off of the team. Fair enough. Well, it just so happened that I got a C and in trouble and I was taken off of the team both of those years.

So we fast forward to that summer again and my Dad asks me if I am going out for the team. I said no and I didn’t give an explanation. I could see the shock on his face and I can’t even lie, for a split second I was happy. Like, “ha, got your add back”. However, this wasn’t really about him as much as it was my pride. I was always hurt, embarrassed and tired of having something I loved taken away from me so I just decided to say eff it, if I don’t play, he can’t take this away from me.There is something so wrong with the way that my pride is set up. I am convinced that this is what separates my underachieving ass from great people. Most people would have taken that as motivation to make better grades and not get into trouble but not me. I just decided “you can’t lose if you don’t even play”.

There is something truly wrong with me lol.

So as I got older this pride thing got worse and branched out to other aspects of my life. Whether it be school, work or women pride always seemed to play a major part in those relationships.

I can’t front, words like “help” are considered a dirty four letter word lol. I have failed exams, lost employment and lost great women all because pride wouldn’t let me ask for help or communicate that I needed help.

Maybe I shouldn’t call it pride. Instead, maybe it’s a combination of stubborn and stupid lol.

The pride thing isn’t all bad when it is applied or used correctly. Hell, it keeps me sane for starters. It also pushes or motivates me to do and accomplish certain things in my career and personal life. It prevents me from wanting a handout or waiting for someone else to do something for me. It also makes me self-sufficient which is huge in my opinion. Being independent is pretty dope.

When applied to things like dating however pride can be the biggest blocker EVER lol. Want examples? Let’s see, she didn’t text me back so I’m not texting her. I want to apologize but I’m not in the wrong. I could be more flexible and give in a little but this could set a dangerous precedent. She said it’s over but I still have feelings but I’ll be damned if I ask for another shot. She wants x,y,z and I can’t give her that so no need to try, it’s easier to let her go find someone else who can do it. Lol, get where I’m headed with this?

Not to say that I haven’t swallowed my pride before. Hell, every example that I just gave I have actually gone against my instinct and made the effort before… of course to no avail lol. So yeah, the majority of the time I am going with good old pride.

I am convinced that this is why I can never truly flourish but in true Calvin form, I have decided to justify that somehow. Like, the ends justify the means.

Wouldn’t it be crazy if maybe this too much pride thing is a form of mental illness? When I reflect on situations or my life I often wonder if that is the case. Like what makes you say, “eff it, I’ll just do without” whether it be a person who makes you happy, maybe missing a meal or two, other opportunities or whatever all because of your ego. I mean that is what it all boils down to at the end of the day, right?

That good old ego lol. I hope I snap out of it or learn to scale it back one day(I think?). Preferably before I’m in a nursing home.

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